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I Don't Wanna Be Mean

from Seaglass Strange by Red O'Hare

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about

If you don't want to be a last resort, why the fuck would I?

lyrics

Look-

I don't wanna be mean,
but you are not the first bro I banged
who deemed me of value
months after the SS Handjob
left Drunk Text Harbor.
Pulled out on a tide
of thanks for the ride
Sails full of a fair and fuck you wind.

I don’t wanna be mean
but I wasn't gonna wait for you.
I’ve clocked my ten thousand hours
I’m a goddamned expert by now.
Waited at bars I didn’t like
at shows for bands I hated,
for boys that said
they might stop by
with stars in their mouths
with smoke in their eyes.

And yeah, I made sure
to walk by places you’d be.
made sure you saw how my hips
swivel, sway, and swing
Checking my reflection
in storefront windows
Then drinking dumb
‘til I turned numb
and there you were,
with teeth like grinning stone.

I don't wanna be mean
cuz I think you've spent
one too many nights alone,
but just because I was kind
it does not mean I was in love.
I know I’m not
everybody’s cup of tea,
but when we’re cold
we all want something warm,
don’t we?

I don't wanna be mean
Because I know
you were dealt blows
like a slow war.
Because to the girl
who has your heart
you are nothing more
than a flightless bird
that could not help
but love the sky
so if you don't wanna be
a last resort
Why the fuck would I?

I don't wanna be mean
because I know
the bottom of the bottle
is a lonely place to be
but y o u?
You don’t get to settle for me.
It's not that I think
I'm better than you.
I just know I am better than this.

And I don’t wanna be mean
but you are cafeteria pizza.
You are well whiskey.
You are particle board TV consoles
You are wood laminate
You are socks with sandals
You are airport hotel conference rooms
on a Tuesday.
and there is nothing
actually wrong with that.

But I
I am the shape of winter
I am the arc of canon balls.
I am more
than the shadows I cast
and I am more
than the things
you want from me.

I don’t wanna be mean

But . . .

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

credits

from Seaglass Strange, released June 7, 2019

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Red O'Hare image

Red O'Hare Portland, Oregon

Red O'Hare is a Ashkenazi Jewish American poet from Oakland, California where she featured twice with Bay Area Generations. A product of Presbyterian missionaries from the Belgian Congo and Eastern European carny folk, Red has been performing poetry for 20 years. She works in a bakery and is compiling a list of people who want her dead. ... more

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